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Threesomes are a highly debated topic. Some people wouldn’t dream of having one, whilst others want one so badly, they’d consider giving their partner an ultimatum. If you do agree to a ménage à trois, then comes the issue of finding the ‘third.’
Do you look for someone at a bar? Or how about a friend or someone you’ve dated before? And what happens afterwards? It can be a tricky one to navigate.
This week’s reader, Priya, has found herself in a threesome dilemma.
“My husband refuses to stop talking to the woman we had a threesome with,” Priya tells HuffPost UK.
“We had a threesome with my husband’s friend and he won’t stop talking to her. I realised they were in constant communication after the threesome and I told him to stop speaking to her.
“A few months later he told me that he still talked to her and had seen her twice, but that there was nothing there, they were just friends now. I was furious. Our trust has been completely destroyed and ceased to exist. When I blew up and said (again) I wanted him to cut all ties, he refused. He said he was going to prove to me that they were just friends, he has no interest in being with her nor she with him, but he’s not going to stop talking to her.”
Priya says she doesn’t think her husband is cheating, but she does feel disrespected by him going against her wishes.
“I believe him that they are just friends, but it seems like a slippery slope, and we’ve been through so much over her already, I’m hurt that he would even take the risk,” she says.
Is her husband in the wrong? Should Priya feel upset that her partner is still speaking to this woman? Counselling directory member Georgina Smith weighs in.
What would you say to this reader?
Smith says this is a really difficult place for Priya to find herself in, and she understands the sadness and anger she feels.
“It is a really great reminder that inviting anyone else into a couple’s sexual life should be thoroughly discussed and boundaries agreed beforehand,” Priya says.
“Any member of a couple has the right to raise concerns around friendships outside of the relationship and to be able to reflect on those concerns without their partner reacting defensively. This is especially true in this instance where insecurities are understandable, given the crossing of sexual boundaries that have already taken place.”
Should her husband stop speaking to this woman?
“It is hard for anyone other than the couple to determine this. I understand the husband’s point of view – he is in no doubt that his feelings for this person are platonic and fails to understand why a friendship would be a threat to his wife,” Smith says.
“However, his wife does feel strongly about this, and the right thing to do for the relationship might be to put his wife’s needs first.”
Smith questions what this person offers him emotionally (even as a platonic friend), that his wife cannot or will not.
What practical tips can you give this couple?
Smith sets out the following steps:
Working with a couples counsellor would be a great place to start - a safe, neutral space to unpack everything that has happened
Communication that involves empathy and kindness would also be key - this is a highly complex set of circumstances
Commitment to a future that nurtures trust would take sacrifice - a willingness to be transparent in (or completely cut off) all communication with people outside the marriage for example might be important
Figuring out together acceptable boundaries around this friendship, future friendships and future sexual practices
Finding out what needs to change in the relationship to make it a fulfilling and emotionally supportive space for both husband and wife.