Who do you picture when you imagine a woman considering an abortion? She’s probably not pushing a pram, getting ready for the school run or waiting to pick her teenager up from a party. But in the past decade, the percentage of women who are already parents when they have abortions has increased.
Last year, more than half (56%) of all terminations performed in England and Wales were among women who have had one or more previous births, according to official government data. The figure is up from 48% in 2008.
It’s even a storyline in Netflix’s popular parenting sitcom, The Letdown, whose thirty-something protagonist Audrey finds herself with a baby, a partner, a house – and an unexpected pregnancy, which she ultimately chooses to terminate.
However, abortion as portrayed in the media is often pegged to teenagers and younger women, as in the recent report of women having more than one termination, which was widely criticised for its framing and lack of context.
To challenge the stigma for parents who are facing an already difficult decision, four mothers share their very different abortion stories with HuffPost UK:
‘I knew I didn’t want to start all over again’
Amity, 40, became pregnant two years ago when her children were nine and 11. At the time, her husband had been on a waiting list for a vasectomy.
“When I found out I was pregnant, I knew I didn’t want to start all over again,” she says. “The emotions that hit me were mainly panic, shock, frustration and sadness. My instant gut reaction was that I did not want to continue the pregnancy as it was completely the wrong time in my life.”
She had recently started a new job after three years’ training and “putting all of that hard work aside” was not something she wanted to do. “Having had two children in my twenties, I also didn’t think I could cope with the monumental demands of pregnancy and parenting at the age of 38, without harming my own physical and mental health,” she says.
Amity, who is a registered midwife and works in abortion care herself, had a medical abortion at Marie Stopes’ Central London clinic.
Despite talking about abortion every day in her workplace, she felt the stigma. “When I went back to work, I didn’t tell people why I had been off in case they were taken aback,” she recalls. “Although I am generally quite open about my abortion, even I don’t always feel comfortable talking about it.”
As time passed, however, Amity wanted to share her story to show that no woman – parent or otherwise – should be ashamed of an abortion. “Some women I care for expect I will judge them for their decision, but I am there because I want to help,” she says. “It’s very important that women have someone they can confide in.”
‘I was struggling with the child I already had’
Ashley, 29, from West Lothian in Scotland, had an abortion in 2015 when her son was two-and-a-half. “I was shocked when I found out I was pregnant – happy is not a word I would have used to describe it,” she says. “I’d really struggled to adapt to motherhood with the child I already had. By nature I do not take stress well, and one child was almost ripping me over the edge as it was.”
Being a parent certainly impacted her decision to have an abortion, especially when it came to money matters. “Financially I was not in a position. I was already struggling with the one child I already had, I did not want to bring another child into that environment,” she says. “I grew up on the poverty line and I didn’t want to give that to my children.”
Ashley “simply did not want to have any more children”, she says. “My partner and I had got to a point where we were slightly better financially as we were both back working full time and that would have set us back a long way.”
Like Amity, she says the stigma still attached to abortions has deterred her from speaking more openly about hers. “There are many couples who can’t have children and are very resentful of people who have abortions, often not knowing their reasons,” she says. “A lot of people see it as simply discarding something – it’s not spoken about enough.”
‘I was in the best position I’d ever been in to have a baby’
Sally had her first abortion at 40 when her son was 10 – and a second abortion six years later. At the time of the first, she was a single parent getting back into the dating scene, having casual sex with a man. “We knew it wasn’t going to go anywhere further, it was just booty calls, that kind of thing.”
But one burst condom and a failed morning after pill later, Sally realised she was pregnant. “I felt a bit silly and immensely vulnerable,” she recalls. “I was a single parent, working in film and paying rent. The idea of bringing another child into that scenario was just impossible. My son was about to start secondary school, and even keeping half a home together for me and him was a strain.
Sally had an abortion and her casual relationship ended. Six years later, she had retrained as a therapist and was in a longterm relationship when she accidentally fell pregnant again. “My periods were irregular,” she recalls. “I was perimenopausal, but we went to New York for a long weekend break and I kept throwing up. We’d been going to cocktail bars and drinking a lot, but my partner – now my husband – said: ‘Are you sure you’re not pregnant?’”
Sally says falling pregnant aged 46 felt “so loaded” because she knew it was probably the final chance of her having more children – if she wanted them.
“I was in the best position I’d ever been in to have a baby; I had a house, a lot of security, I was working... but my son was 16 and it felt like the timing was completely out. I felt like I was just getting my life back,” she says. Choosing to have an abortion was difficult, she says, but ultimately the right option for her: “We’re really happy, we have lots of freedom. It was the right decision.”
‘I had only just started feeling like myself ’
Jennifer was “really surprised” to discover she was pregnant in 2015 when her son was two years old. She and her husband hadn’t used protection and they’d only had sex “a handful of times” in two years. “I had only just started feeling like myself again after struggling with postpartum depression,” the 35-year-old from Vermont explains.
Her fear of the postpartum depression returning led to her decision to have an abortion. “I didn’t believe my marriage nor I would survive if I had to relive that experience again,” she says. “I truly believed the PPD returning could be the end for me, leaving my son without a mother and my husband without a wife.”
The pregnancy also came just as Jennifer and her husband were due to move back to their native America, after living in the UK for eight years. “I couldn’t fathom carrying a pregnancy to term in a new country without any support or community,” she says.
Fearful of stigma, Jennifer kept her abortion a secret from her loved ones for several years, but as a naturally open person found the silence “deafening”.
“In the end I opened up about it because I wanted to draw attention to how frequently abortions happen and as a signal to others to come to me for support and love,” she says. “There are so many misconceptions. I wanted more children, I really did, but I chose not to because of my mental health. That’s still one of my most unselfish decisions I’ve made to date, in my mind.”
For support and information about abortion, visit The British Pregnancy Advisory Service website, or call its advice line on 0345 730 4030. Alternatively visit the Marie Stopes website, or call their advice line on 0345 300 8090. Marie Stopes International has also launched its new campaign #SmashAbortionStigma to break the silence around abortion. Find out more here.