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Keeping romance alive during the pandemic hasn’t been easy for many, but there has been an upside: People have been forced to deal with each other as they are, and not as they imagine.
The downside? Cliche and perfunctory Valentine’s Day gifts like candy and flowers just don’t cut it anymore. This year’s gift needs to prove that you appreciate your valentine for their authentic self.
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And that means authentically weird.
Lucky for you, HuffPost Weird News has once again done the heavy lifting of searching through vast possibilities of gift ideas to present the choicest for every valentine.
Whether that means giving a giant rubber chicken, a vat of chocolate hummus or a bong shaped like the male sex organ, we’ve got you covered.
Check out the Valentine’s Day 2021 selection of weird gifts:
Meathearts
Candy hearts seem like a sweet gift, until your valentine says, "Thanks, but you forgot I'm doing keto." For those not observing a special diet, these beef jerky hearts with special messages may keep your sweetheart from having a beef with you.
HugMeChicken
Has the pandemic forced you and your valentine into a socially distanced situation? Get closer by having a giant rubber chicken take your place. When that chicken starts crowing for up to 45 seconds, your love will look at it and think of you. Not necessarily in a positive way -- it's really loud -- but at least you're on their mind, right?
Suction Cup Restraints
Which would your valentine appreciate more in their home: A bathroom or a dungeon? These suction cup restraints provide a happy medium, turning a shower into a place for dirty fun.
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Chocolate Hummus
As good as chocolate is, too much of it isn't the healthiest option. Unless it's chocolate hummus, made from chickpeas. Yep, chocolate hummus. It's as good as it sounds.
The Dripstick
Sex is fun, but cleaning up after a romp can kill the mood. The Dripstick is an easy way of handling a messy situation.
Penis Bong
Honestly, it doesn't matter what I write here. Your valentine either wants a penis bong or they don't.
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Da Bomb Extra Caffeinated Coffee
Want to give your valentine a little extra buzz? Double caffeinated coffee could do the trick. Trust me, nothing brings a couple together like a java-influenced panic attack.
Rainbow Bondage Rope
How many times has a bondage session been ruined because the rope just wasn't festive enough? OK, but this rainbow-shaded rope will ensure your sex life has more shades than gray.
Angry Toaster
For those who've been burned by love, Valentine's Day can be a tough time. That's why this Angry Toaster that can produce toast with an array of nasty sayings can be sort of healing. Emphasis on "sort of."
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Bow Teddy
Many people get nervous about Valentine's Day because they aren't good at wrapping packages. That won't be a problem here.
Broken Heart Chocolate Pizza
Sugar-plum.com
Pizza is good, and chocolate is good, but broken hearts are bad. This heart-shaped chocolate pizza literally splits the difference with the help of a mallet, allowing your valentine to deliver a blow that's more satisfying than real-life romances.
BendShape Mask
Face masks may save lives, but they can make communication difficult. If you want to make sure your valentine is safe while still seeing their facial expressions, the BendShape Mask will allow you to face matters head-on.
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Purse That Looks Like Chocolate Cake
CakePurse.com
It's a cake! No, it's a purse! Wait! It's a purse that looks like cake! Sweet.
Bathing Suit With Matching Face Mask
Bikinis are a sexy Valentine's Day surprise, but a matching face mask will ensure your sweetheart isn't exposed to the coronavirus as they expose everything else.
Carole Baskin Action Figure
In the off-chance that your valentine is just now watching "Tiger King," these action figures of Carole Baskin and her second husband should inspire a session of Netflix and chill.
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Leather Fly Swatter
Is your valentine bugging you a little? Maybe they need a few taps with this leather fly swatter? They don't? OK, you know them better than I do.
Pickle Bouquet
Candies and chocolate are fine gifts for some valentines, but there are those who will think a pickle bouquet is the best way to keep a romance from souring.
Haunted Lily Doll
Your valentine: What is this?
You: A haunted doll, silly.
What does it do?
Kinda freaks you out?
You really get me! Give me a kiss!
You: A haunted doll, silly.
What does it do?
Kinda freaks you out?
You really get me! Give me a kiss!
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Franzia Box Wine Backpack
Wine is always a popular Valentine's Day gift, but carrying it home can be so hard (we only have two arms, people!). Luckily, this Franzia box wine backpack allows your love to get their drink on while keeping their hands free for other things.
Facemask With Sequinned Beetle
Do face masks bug your valentine? Well, this one featuring a jeweled beetle is a stylish way to acknowledge their feelings.
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Autoblow
https://autoblow.com/
Is social distancing keeping you from your valentine? Well, you can still show you care by sending them the Autoblow, a device that claims to mimic the human mouth performing oral sex. I mean, it is an option.
Vibrating Rocking Chair
Who says rocking chairs are just for old folks who want to shake their fists at Tucker Carlson? Not the model in this pic.
Spillbuster
Granted, a Spillbuster doesn't scream "romance" -- especially for young couples in the throes of new love. However, more established couples will recognize the emotional security that comes from a clean living situation will last longer than the blooms of a rose. The dog agrees.
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GoChirp Roller
A back roller is not going to make most Valentine's Day gift polls. But reduced muscle tension and improved flexibility are good things to give your valentine (as long as you're ready to explain why you chose this over chocolates and flowers.)
Sex Swing
This Sex Swing takes up as much space as a Peloton, but it's more, shall we say, collaborative.
Torso Candles
These candles shaped like a naked woman's torso are definitely sexy and, if necessary, could provide some heat and light.
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UV Sterilizer
Did you just get through a heavy phone sex session with your valentine? Well, you can clean thing ups with this UV Sterilizer. Who says romance is dead?
Mermaid Throw Blanket
It may sound fishy, but the mermaid tail throw blanket will keep your valentine warm when you can't be there.
The Cold Wave Beverage Chiller
Sometimes love runs hot, and sometimes it's best just to be cool. It's the same with beverages. The Cold Wave Beverage Chiller will help satisfy your valentine's quixotic drink temperature demands.
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Rosepops
Yeah, flowers are a big part of Valentine's Day, but you have to clean up the petals in the days after the holiday. Not so with Rosepops, which use an all-natural preservative to keep them looking fresh for months. That should give you plenty of time to passively-aggressively remind your valentine that you do understand some basics of romance.
Puppy Love Dog Costume
If your valentine is obsessed with their fur baby, this pet costume will firmly establish that you are second-best.
Grow Old With Me 3D Card
If you want to grow old with your valentine, perhaps it's only fair to give them an idea of what that looks like with this Valentine's Day card.
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Overnight Oats
No, oatmeal is not a "normal" Valentine's Day gift, but it's one that might keep your valentine "regular."
High On Love Gift Set
Is there a better way to show your love than with a gift set that includes a vibrator and "stimulating sensual oil"? (By the way, that's a rhetorical question.)
Dickprint Underwear
When it comes to Valentine's Day gifts, some men appreciate subtlety. Others want underwear that proudly declares "Dickprint." Such is the circle of life.
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