In last week’s episode of “And Just Like That ... ,” Seema Patel, Carrie’s perpetually single friend, found herself in a situation that touched a nerve with viewers.
It all starts off when Carrie (Sarah Jessica Parker) reconciles with her old flame Aidan (John Corbett), a development that complicates Carrie’s plans to spend the summer in the Hamptons with Seema (Sarita Choudhury).
Aiden will no doubt be joining them now ― something doesn’t sit well with Seema, a single, successful businesswoman in the mould of Kim Cattrall’s Samantha Jones from the original “Sex and the City” series. (For this discussion, it’s worth noting that Seema is more earnest about wanting a long-term relationship.)
After Seema dodges texts about dinner plans Carrie makes with Aidan, Charlotte and Miranda, the two friends have an awkward run-in at the hair salon.
As they head outside, hair dripping wet, Seema asks Carrie if she remembers their Hamptons plans. Carrie ― heady from that new-romance endorphin rush, no doubt ― has indeed forgotten, but Seema definitely hasn’t.
She’s mulled over having to spend an entire summer playing the third wheel and has firmly decided the last thing she wants to do is “spend a fortune having this feeling.”
Seema tells Carrie she’s canceled the rental and gotten their money back. When Carrie seems flummoxed by this flood of new information (and a little defensive, in true Carrie style), Seema tries to explain.
“From everything I’ve heard, it sounds like you’ve had these two great loves, and I’ve had none,” she tells Carrie delicately. “And please, don’t say I will, because I might not, and I can live with that.”
“But I can’t do this summer,” she admits. “That’s not true, I could, but I don’t want to.”
The conversation ― and the vulnerability and strength Seema demonstrates in broaching it ― is a masterclass in establishing boundaries in friendships.
As HuffPost senior culture reporter Marina Fang wrote in a recap of the episode, it’s also a perfect distillation of how lonely it can be when you’re the sole single woman surrounded by coupled-up friends: “Society doesn’t really give us single women a blueprint on how to handle these conversations or think about where we fit in.”
Fans of the show on Twitter (or X, as it’s now known) were equally impressed by Seema’s speech.
“Hearing Seema verbalise something I’ve felt so many times — choosing to put myself in social situations that I know will make me insecure/feel bad about myself — was really beautiful,” wrote social media editor Jarett Wieselman.
Leah Katz, a psychologist and author of “Gutsy: Mindfulness Practices for Everyday Bravery,” was struck by the scene, too, mostly because it’s so rare in real life for friends to be transparent about their feelings.
“We tend to keep things inside and not know if we should bring it up,” she told HuffPost. “We think it has to be ‘urgent’ or ‘crisis’ to talk about hard things, when this is absolutely not the case in healthy relationships.”
Seema is proactive and skilful in how she talks to Carrie ― note how she leads with how happy she is for Carrie, before delving into the meatier content ― nipping a potential friendship crisis in the bud.
“It takes courage to have these hard conversations because, one, we are making ourselves vulnerable and, two, we aren’t sure of how the other person will react,” Katz said. “This can be extra difficult for people who tend to be people pleasers and are scared of saying the wrong thing and not being liked.”
As Seema shows in this scene, setting healthy boundaries doesn’t have to be “punitive or punishing others,” said Jennifer Chappell Marsh, a marriage and family therapist in San Diego. In fact, it never should be that way.
“Seema wasn’t angry, lashing out or accusatory. She didn’t say what Carrie was doing was wrong or bad,” Chappell Marsh told HuffPost. “She shared her emotions vulnerably and stated what she needed to take care of her feelings.”
The scene speaks to a core, common insecurity among girlfriends.
Friendship coach Danielle Bayard Jackson said many of her clients express worries like Seema’s.
“Women so often talk about trying to remain friends with someone who’s in a relationship and the internal conflict between wanting to be supportive but also being stretched beyond what they can give and what feels comfortable for them,” she told HuffPost.
The scene also gets at another pain point in single/coupled-up friendships: The expectation to be excited for your friend in love and not express any less-positive emotions.
Carrie is understandably over the moon about her new-old romance (“I swear you will love him,” she tells Seema) and wants her friends to be visibly excited for her, too.
When Seema fails to show the requisite amount of enthusiasm (certainly not “I love love!” Charlotte-levels of enthusiasm), Carrie is perturbed.
“Whether they’re conscious of it or not, newly partnered friends feel like their single friends should be happy for them and should be grateful to be included when the couple goes out,” she said. “There’s this expectation that the single friend will accommodate the other person’s schedule.”
Too often, the single women in the equation are afraid to share how excessive couple time (or couple talk) might affect them: One too many “Do you mind if I bring Mike to dinner tonight?” or brunches spent belaboring how stressed Mike is at work can be a bit much. Beyond that, it may be bittersweet to watch your friend fall in love when you’re still actively looking for a partner.
“But a lot of time, our friends are only operating with the data that they have, but I often ask my clients how might your friend respond differently if they had access to all the information,” Bayard Jackson said. “In other words, if your friend knew the impact it would have on you as a single person, would they still be making those requests?”
Of course, discussing any of this is a delicate matter: As Seema points out in the scene, when you ask a friend if they can be a little less boyfriend-centric, you worry about coming across as the long-suffering single friend, griping about concerns that sound “petty and pathetic.”
“We’re scared we’re going to kill the vibe or come off as unsupportive or oversensitive, so we don’t always give our friends access to how we’re feeling,” Bayard Jackson said. “But you can always say, ‘I am thrilled for you, I love the guy that you married, and at the same time, when I’m in these spaces with you, I feel this way.’”
A new relationship might activate another fear if you’re the single friend: The more sizeable fear of losing the friendship.
We might not care to admit it, but in some ways, you do lose your friend ― or at least the friend who could spend the bulk of their free time with you or the friend who almost exclusively confided in you. (Inevitably, their new partner takes over that role.)
“Unfortunately, it’s common for friends to ditch their besties for a new love, hoping their friend will understand and forgive,” said Irene S. Levine, a freelance journalist and author of “Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup With Your Best Friend.”
In most cases, “the female friendships far outlive the romantic attractions,” Levine noted. (We’d be remiss if we didn’t bring up Charlotte’s famous quote from the original “Sex and the City” here: “Maybe our girlfriends are our soulmates and guys are just people to have fun with.”)
By having a transparent, albeit uncomfortable, conversation about her feelings early on, Seema is trying to ensure that her friendship will last through all seasons.
“We’ll be fine,” she assures Carrie. “I just need a little space right now.”