When you’re going through a tough time, the pain doesn’t always exclusively come from the troubling event or life change itself.
Often, one of the hardest things to navigate is how people talk (or don’t talk, or struggle to talk) to you about what’s happened.
It can be hard to work out what to say when someone’s in crisis, but the HSE (Ireland’s national health service) writes that it’s important to listen and speak in constructive ways during trying times.
Speaking on NPR’s TED Radio Hour, writer Kelly Corrigan shared that it’s important to avoid giving well-meaning but misguided advice.
Instead, she shared 7 words which helped her communicate with those in need.
Which are?
Kelly shared that for her, the most helpful words have been:
- “Tell me more.”
- “Go on …”
- “What else?”.
Those refocus the conversation on the person suffering, rather than minimising or trying to “solve” what may be a devastating problem, she says.
The HSE agrees with this.
They shared that encouraging someone to speak more about a tricky topic can help them to explore it more meaningfully, rather than simply shutting down the conversation with unhelpful comments like “It’s not that bad” or “you’ll get over it.”
Some of their suggestions include:
- “Can you tell me more about what’s going on?”
- “If you want to tell me more, I’m here to listen”
- “I’ve noticed you haven’t been yourself, is there anything on your mind?”
- “I can see this is hard for you to open up about. It’s ok to take your time. I’m not in any rush”
- “It sounds like you’re dealing with a lot at the moment”
- “I’m really sorry to hear that you’re feeling like this right now”
- “I’m really glad you’re sharing this with me.”
Those can show the person you’re talking to that you’re not only listening to them, but have no set agenda for the discussion (like keeping yourself shielded from their pain at the cost of theirt self-expression) and that you sympathise with them.
“Asking the person will not upset them more but may allow the emotions they’ve been holding in to be released,” the HSE says.
“Voicing painful feelings can help to reduce emotional distress.”
What shouldn’t I say?
You may find the sight of a loved one in pain uncomfortable, which can lead you to try to minimise their suffering.
But both the HSE and Kelly say this can accidentally have the opposite effect to what you intended.
Phrases like “things will get better,” therefore, don’t help.
And though it can be tempting to try and solve their “problem,” the HSE advises it’s best to let the speaker come to their own conclusions.
“It can be more important to know that someone else has heard you than to have someone suggest solutions,” they say.
Crucially, there is no “wrong” way to experience a difficult life event.
“You are not listening if you say things like ‘You’re overreacting,’” the HSE write.
Help and support:
- Mind, open Monday to Friday, 9am-6pm on 0300 123 3393.
- Samaritans offers a listening service which is open 24 hours a day, on 116 123 (UK and ROI - this number is FREE to call and will not appear on your phone bill).
- CALM (the Campaign Against Living Miserably) offer a helpline open 5pm-midnight, 365 days a year, on 0800 58 58 58, and a webchat service.
- The Mix is a free support service for people under 25. Call 0808 808 4994 or email help@themix.org.uk
- Rethink Mental Illness offers practical help through its advice line which can be reached on 0808 801 0525 (Monday to Friday 10am-4pm). More info can be found on rethink.org.