‘Situationship’ is one of those terms, like ‘plaque psoriasis’ and ‘hyperhidrosis’, that you only really learn if you’ve suffered through it.
It refers to an unofficial dating setup where one or both parties act sort of like a couple (i.e. by going on dates, giving romantic gifts, and even meeting one another’s friends).
However, there’s no explicit commitment, and one or both people don’t know where they stand.
While it seems most of us are working to avoid falling into this category, situationships seem to be a pretty ubiquitous dating experience – so much so that there are TikToks, tweets, and thought pieces galore on the topic.
A recurring theme throughout the content is how uniquely painful breaking up with your situationship can be, with many saying they felt more hurt by the end of their unofficial dating scenario than they did from finishing longer-term relationships.
As both a previous triple-dating app user and an owner of bell hooks’ All About Love (entirely related), I can relate to the confusing pain of a situationship breakdown.
So I thought I’d ask dating expert and co-founder of app SoSyncd, Jessica Alderson, just what it is about situationships that makes them sting so badly.
Situationship breakups are a special kind of confusing
The undefined nature of situationships can make them singularly hard to recover from, says Jessica Alderson.
As she says, “in situationships, there’s often a lack of clear boundaries, commitment, and labels, making it difficult to know where each person stands”.
This lack of clarity can mean you don’t always get closure or an official breakup, and this in itself can make it harder to move on.
In defined relationship breakups, there’s a more definite beginning, middle, and end. This structure helps both parties to know where they stand, which means that the breakups are more clear-cut.”
You might wonder as much about what made your situationship break up with you as you did about what it meant when you two spent time together.
And unfortunately, you might get just as little information after the fact as you did while you were dating them.
There isn’t really a framework for getting over situationship breakups, either
If you struggled to so much as name the relationship that’s now ended, it makes sense that finding a way to recover from it can be equally vague.
And Alderson says that friends and family – our usual go-tos during difficult times – can be a little less sympathetic than usual when they’re not even sure what you’re mourning, and when they may not have met your ex-partner.
“Because situationships are often more casual than traditional relationships”, she says, “there may not be as much support from friends and family during the breakup.”
It can make a lonely, difficult time even tougher; not exactly the dream conditions under which to heal healthily.
In other words, situationship breakups are basically primed to ensure a maximum agonised-rumination-per-happy-memory ratio.
So how do I stop ruminating about my ex-situationship?
If all the points above seem a bit grim, don’t worry – there’s light at the end of the Ben & Jerry’s tub. Alderson says that “just because you weren’t official, it doesn’t make your feelings any less valid.
When you are going through a situationship breakup, it’s important to acknowledge and accept your emotions. Allow yourself to feel sad, angry, or whatever emotion you may be experiencing. Give yourself permission to grieve the loss of the connection.“
On top of that, Alderson says you should pretty seriously consider cutting off all contact – “If staying in contact with your ex-situationship is making it difficult to move on, set boundaries to protect yourself.
It’s also wise to mute or unfollow them on social media to avoid seeing their posts.”
Then there’s all the regular advice: “Get enough sleep, eat healthily, and exercise regularly. Engage in activities that bring you joy, such as simple as going for a walk, reading a book, or listening to music”.
Using the opportunity to grow and regain your sense of self is key, especially considering that some situationships can lead you to “continuously question your own self-worth”.
And last but far from least: don’t be afraid to ask for help. Alderson says that “sharing your feelings with a trusted friend or family member can help you process them and gain perspective.
If you find that you’re unable to move on and your emotions are interfering with your daily life, consider seeking professional help.”
Situationship breakups might be uniquely painful, but with a bit of space, as much support as you can get, and some much-needed ‘you’ time, the struggles should end soon.
And if all else fails, think about their chewing noises. Works for me every time.