I've started to work for myself. I haven't said it aloud until just now. Shit.
Working for yourself is proper grown up stuff. It means taxes, which I have no clue about. Sometimes I have dreams that I'm bankrupt and talking to Piers Morgan; I tell him that "I should have read the small print". For some reason I'm famous enough to be on a talk show in said dream.
I think I lifted the conversation from Toni Braxton's interview with Oprah in which after declaring her bankruptcy; the audience gasped when the auditors wanted to take her "Grammy" award. I don't know whether I could barter with sale items from "Topman". The answer is probably no. But the more pressing question is why am I watching interviews from the nineties in the first place?
Working from home means "YouTube Shame Spirals" which can start at Simon Amstell's best bits on "Never Mind the Buzzcocks" to Bollywood songs from the 70s via several attempts to understand why Vloggers are so popular.
I think it's just any attempt to not do any work or listen to the voices of fear in your head. So instead you fill your days with lunches and dinners. (You'll notice how I omitted breakfast because it is a miracle if you're out of bed in time for a breakfast catch up). You think you've left those voices in your unmade bed until your friend begins to ask you how you're coping. You know it's pity because they say it in the same way they enquire about your love life, their voices go up and they do the sympathetic head tilt.
"So how's it going?"
"Yeah, fine thanks".
"Do you not get bored?"
"Erm, no" .
You lie because it's easier than admitting that you've seen the same awkward selfie rotate on your timeline. You know the one the one I mean it's a family shot featuring people from different generations and there's a selfie stick and you have to scan the picture to see which person is your actual friend.
"No, no. Keeping busy."
You also can't talk about the potential opportunities you have lined up because they you sound arrogant or you worry that you'll jinx yourself so you talk around the subject so it seems like you have enough going on to still seem interesting.
I've even started going to the gym. The chubby teen from my youth would be impressed considering the only exercise he did was becoming a human compass and drawing a circle in the AstroTurf sand and refusing to leave it.
The truth is that if you're doing it right working for yourself is the best thing ever. You end up filling your days with things you want to do. You work a lot but you don't care because you love what you do. Your life becomes one big "life hack" as you avoid crowds and queues. So, You forget what Bank Holidays are but that's okay because you can watch an entire season of "The Office" on a Wednesday afternoon or meet one of your mates or at the very least attempt to read the small print.