Love bombing isn’t the easiest concept to explain, you can only really comprehend it when you’ve experienced it. From an outside perspective, someone showering you with compliments, gifts, and attention isn’t a bad thing, in fact, it’s encouraged. But, with love bombing after those initial months of pure adoration, things can quickly turn sour.
We’ve seen this time and time again in relationships but it happens in friendships too. Ever found yourself meeting a new friend and it feels like things are going from 0 to 100 in the space of just a few weeks? Quickly you find out that friend isn’t as sweet as you thought they were. Well, if this all sounds familiar, you might have been friend love bombed.
When Holly*, a 26-year account executive from South London, exchanged details with a girl she was friendly with on social media, they quickly formed a friendship.
She tells HuffPost UK that the love bombing from her new found friend came in various different ways.
“As soon as she got my number she asked me to Facetime her which I thought was intense but I didn’t think anything of it at the time,” she says.
“After that, she would call me every day and I wasn’t used to that level of intensity as I tend to call my friends every single day,” Holly explains.
“But it got to the people where I’d receive multiple missed calls from her asking me where I was and I just found it a bit odd.”
As the friendship progressed, they started to hang out in person which is when things got really intense.
“There was one time she stayed over at mine and she really switched up. She became demanding about specific things in my house, like taking ownership of them, it got really weird.
“After that situation, I had a conversation with her and let her know things got too intense. We stopped speaking after that,” Holly says.
Louise*, a 44-year-old creative coach from Leeds, met her now ex-friend through work.
“She was a well-known freelancer who threw a lot of attention at me very quickly,” Louise says.
“I’ll be honest I responded to her because of her status, I felt like I was the chosen one,” she adds.
“As we spent more time together, I always felt like the prize, she would drop things to spend time with me, create occasions if I was sad, or if I was going on holiday we had a going away celebration the night before.”
However, things started to take a turn when her so-called bestie became judgemental when Louise started to bond with other people.
“She started to tell me that we could only do things when it was just us because she didn’t like me when I was around other people - and she would gradually verbally attack those people, driving a wedge between us,” Louise says.
One friend even went out to say she was worried about Louise.
“Another friend said she noticed how much my confidence has dropped when I was around her,” she adds.
Eventually, her friend moved away to London for a job, and friends assumed she would move to London too but she didn’t.
“I got some work in London a few months later, where I saw her a few times but by then I had realised that our friendship was really imbalanced,” Louise says.
“I was trying to push back on things like making sure I would pay for my own food as she would insist on paying for me.”
Louise shared that she felt bullied to share things with her against her own will. Eventually, the friendship fizzled out and luckily she hasn’t been love bombed by a friend since.
As Tolu said, identifying love bombing isn’t easy, especially in friendships.
Fortunately, Elle Mace who is a Positive Psychology Coach tells HuffPost UK how we can look out for potential friendship love-bombers.
What does love-bombing in friendships look like? Is it the same in relationships?
“Love-bombing in friendships and in romantic relationships can share similarities, but they can also have distinct differences,” Mace says.
Essentially, love-bombing is a manipulative tactic where someone overwhelms another person with affection, attention, and compliments as a way to establish a deep emotional connection and gain control over them.
Love-bombing in friendship can look like excessive praise, constant communication and support, and a desire to spend all your time together. “The person may also try to isolate the friend from their other relationships, making themselves the sole focus of their attention and emotional support,” Mace adds.
“It’s important to note that love-bombing is not healthy behaviour, and it’s a warning sign of potential emotional abuse.”
If you feel like you’re being love-bombed, you might want to set boundaries and take a step back from the relationship or friendship to evaluate it more objectively.
How can we distinguish between a fast-moving friendship and love bombing?
Distinguishing between the two can be difficult as both experiences can involve a lot of attention and emotional connection early on. However, pace shows some signs that can help us differentiate between the two:
- Consistency: If the person is consistently attentive and affectionate towards you over time, it’s more likely to be a fast-moving friendship. Love-bombing tends to be intense and short-lived.
- Control: If the person is trying to control your actions or isolate you from other people in your life, it’s more likely to be love-bombing. A fast-moving friendship may involve a lot of time spent together, but it should not come at the cost of your autonomy.
- Reciprocity: If the emotional connection in the friendship is mutual and based on shared interests and values, it’s more likely to be a fast-moving friendship. Love-bombing tends to be one-sided, with the other person showering you with attention while ignoring your needs and interests.
- Respect: If the person respects your boundaries and doesn’t pressure you into doing things you’re uncomfortable with, it’s more likely to be a fast-moving friendship. Love-bombing often involves manipulation and pressure to get you to comply with the other person’s wishes.
What should we do if we realise we’re being lovebombed by a new friend?
Pace says: “If you realise that you’re being love-bombed by a new friend, it’s important to set boundaries and take steps to protect yourself from potential emotional abuse. Here are some steps you can take:”
- Be honest with yourself: Acknowledge that the intense attention and affection may not be healthy and could be a warning sign of manipulation.
- Slow things down: Take a step back from the friendship and create space between you and the person. You can reduce the frequency of your communication and interactions to help balance out the intensity.
- Set boundaries: Be clear about what you’re comfortable with and what you’re not. Communicate your needs and limits assertively and consistently.
- Build a support network: Reach out to other friends or family members and spend time with them. Having a strong support network can help you feel less isolated and more grounded.
- Consider ending the friendship: If the person is not respecting your boundaries and continues to love-bomb you despite your attempts to address it, it may be necessary to end the friendship for your own well-being.
- Seek professional help: If you’re struggling to cope with the emotional impact of the love bombing, consider talking to a therapist who can provide guidance and support.