Alpha
And so I had a dream.
Not the type of lofty dream Martin Luther King had a few decades ago, which actually contributed positively to the emancipation of people. This was more of a self-indulgent trance, driven on by massive lashings of delusion.
Stay with me and picture the scene....
We are all in a buzzing TV studio with about a hundred people and yours truly is sat on the stage, waiting to be interviewed by none other than Donald J. Trump, President-Elect of the United States of America.
How did I land in the hot seat?
Well, in true reality-TV style, there had been a competition of people who had wagered on a Trump presidency (I did in real life) and I had won first prize! This intense focus of the world's media, 50,000 volts of TV studio lights and sweat-drenched armpits, is my reward.
The audience, naturally hand-picked, gave the Donald a rapturous welcome. His sheer size left me flabbergasted and the media definitely lied about his hands, which clearly overwhelmed my sturdy banana fingers. As I sat back down, incredibly, my composure visited me for the first time that night.
So much so, that I even waved to the crowd - it was an overreach and a scowl and sharp shake of the Trump head, let me know there was only one star on the stage. After the umpteenth applause for my esteemed interviewer, the questioning commenced.
REM
Trump: I love to meet risk-takers, especially those who go on to win against the odds. Your bet on me winning this thing, shows me you belong in my organisation. Of course, being of Nigerian origin, we will have to vet you for about six months, but can you tell me why you backed me?
Me: Thank you Mr President-Elect. I really appreciate your semi-confidence in me. Well, I felt your strategy of labelling your rivals with negative tags and picking on a well-chosen list of soft targets was always going to be a winner.
Trump: Really? How so?
Me: Well, you gave every one of your serious Republican rivals a debilitating moniker that stuck in peoples' minds. Marco Rubio was "Little Marco," then Ted Cruz was "Lying Ted," you went on to describe Jeb Bush as "Low Energy Jeb," and of course the crème de la crème was "Crooked Hillary".
Also, you picked on groups that were already generally despised and distrusted. Anyone with their cultural ear to the ground, knows Mexicans are the most hated people amongst Hispanics. Nigerians are the most reviled amongst Blacks and everyone who is not Muslim, deep down hates anything to do with Islam. It was a clever ploy.
Trump: Wow...have you been reading my notes to self? You just regurgitated all the contents of pages 12-14 of my Black book, sorry...White book. You definitely will be considered for a Special Assistant role now. Of course there is still that heavy vetting to go through. But as back-up, if you do betray me or the United States, my government will blow up your family home back in Lagos. I took that right of the Israeli handbook. The Israelis are great, aren't they? They are very great. Your family still live in Lagos, right?
Me: Errrm...that was the information I filled in the form to get clearance for this gig sir. But my family are actually in the process of moving and their final destination is currently unknown to me.
Trump: Never mind, we have people already tracking them from our drone positions. If there is any need for unilateral action, it will be done in seconds. In any case, let's move on....what is your advice as per my cabinet?
Me: I thought you will never ask sir. First things first, trust no one with the following surnames; Ryan, McCain and Romney. They are all sworn members of the very political class you have just shown to have no credibility. They will get you back for that.
Watch Mike Pence like a hawk. He is the weakest link and be prepared to look him in the face and say; you are fired! Their plan is to make the country ungovernable and you, a sitting-duck president. The prospect of being president is going to be too big a magnet for him not to be attracted to and everything about him screams Impeachment Troll...he is not to be trusted.
My advice will be to embrace the guys who are either on the edge of, or have been disgraced in public office at one point or the other. Giuliani, Christie and Sessions are your men here. Their loyalty will be complete. This should be your inner caucus, as they share your disdain for the political class, especially as they never came to their aid, when the cloud of shame descended on them.
Trump: You know I am beginning to like you son. For a Nigerian, you are very clever and when I visit the country of Africa, you will definitely be in my entourage. You keep going like this and I just might consider a Presidential Veto for that clearance. None of your parents are Muslim, right?
Me: No sir. But our president, Muhammad Buhari, is Muslim and like you, he wants women to know their place in the house. You guys will get on well, you have confirmed how you used to throw fits if your food wasn't ready when you got home and he, for his part, has advised his wife to restrict her responsibilities to the kitchen.
Trump: Really? Sounds like a swell guy. I must look into his background. He is a tall guy, I believe. Height is important, no one wants to be led by a little person. I really like that about Obama - he is a good six-three. That was Hilter's main flaw...he was too small. So, are your Grandparents Muslim?
Me: No sir.
Trump: Your wife's side?
Me: No sir.
Trump: Good man, you have really done your homework! Now that we have confirmed your non-Muslim status and your total rejection of Islam, what is your advice on ISIS?
Me: My advice will be to massively invest in Africa and the Middle-East to alleviate poverty and take the heart out of the extremists' message. Compete aggressively with China in those geo-political areas and inject some compassion and morality back into American foreign policy.
Trump: Sounds like a good idea, but I will stick to my plan of bombing the hell out of them!
Vigila
I don't know if it was the braggadocious nature of that last statement, but I woke up in a pool of sweat, wondering how I could achieve such vivid fantasy. The only thing I could think of was my new health regime.
My new guru doctor had advised me to keep a chart of some rather odd KPIs. For instance, I was now meant to note the consistency and colour of anything I expelled, whenever I did a Number Two. Maybe my body was now clear of interfering toxins and I could finally hallucinate in technicolour.
One thing is for sure, dreams never trump real life - and this President-Elect definitely has no plans of looking back at any trail of sh*t he visits upon the world. And trust me, he will leave a trail.