Everyone reading this has at some point done something wrong for which they should have apologised.
Sometimes, we will have done so. At other times, we will have moved on leaving injured people behind us, hoping they'll forget or that it won't really matter.
We should always apologise when we wrong people. But for many people it's a matter of a calculation: loss of face versus loss of things we may want that may be unlocked by saying sorry.
Bald maybe, but for many of us, such cost-benefits calculations inform our thinking and our actions. Otherwise, why wouldn't we just apologise when we make mistakes?
Of course, people who have been wronged also make mistakes in their own lives so they are aware of this complex calculation.
Sometimes people say sorry when they don't mean it. And surprise, surprise, people don't believe a word.
So what makes an apology real? Here are some tests.
1. Does the person stand to gain or lose from saying sorry?
If in making an apology the person either stands to gain or to stem a possible future loss, then the receiver may feel that these things have been factored into a calculation. If in making an apology the person will immediately lose out with no obvious future gain, then the sorry may feel real.
2. Is timing a factor?
In a nutshell, why now? The best time to make an apology is as soon as possible to the errant behaviour or action (giving time for consideration and reflection). Rightly, the receiver may wonder why there has been a delay. Here again, the focus may be on the time spent both calculating the possible loss likely be incurred by saying nothing. It can look manipulative.
3. Does it look like it hurts?
Losing face is painful. When we say sorry we may be making a statement about our competence, our judgement, our relationships with others, our reputation and our qualities as a person. And when we apologise we can not only threaten our image in others' eyes but our self-perception. We are forced to confront uncomfortable truths about ourselves, things that cognitive dissonance can helpfully hide. And it can hurt. So the apology looks as if it's painful, it will feel real.
4. Is there any sense of the damage caused and any redress?
An apology may be an admission of guilt, of wrong-doing. Some apologies seek to avoid this by focusing on how others' feel: "I'm sorry if my actions have made you feel this way." Where the apologizer seeks to understand the impact of their actions and seeks to address this, the wronged person may believe what's being said. The impact of the original wrong-doing may be a loss of trust. Or worse, the action may have damaged someone's life. Is this acknowledged? And importantly, having said sorry, what are you now going to do about your actions?
5. Does it feel real?
Real life is messy. Our words are sometimes blurted out, stumbled over, mumbled, and repetitive. We rush when we are nervous. Our voices crack under pressure. We look awkward and uncomfortable. When someone says sorry to us and looks genuinely embarrassed, then we are more likely to believe that their apology is real. When it's slick, well-rehearsed and not quite contrite, we will tend to look for motives. We would all want to think about what we would say before saying sorry, and how we might put it. That's natural. But if in the delivery has a rehearsed and polished feel with no apparent sweat on the upper lip, we might suspect other agenda.
6. Is the explanation for the wrong-doing plausible?
Some people are very good at making up excuses. It's not that we want people to come up with a clear rationale, it's more that we would want to understand how on earth the error happened in the first place. What we are really looking for here is utter honesty. There could be some real admissions of inconsideration here. Where someone explains their actions and it stands to put them in a very poor light, then we are more likely to believe them. For example, "I thought I could get away with lying to you. I thought you would forgive me because I know that you like me. I thought that the passage of time would help smooth things over. But I realise that I have abused your trust and I would understand it if you never forgave me." Of course, such frankness, if true, could only be used once.
7. Does the person ask for forgiveness?
This is really putting your fate in others' hands. There is a massive risk in asking for forgiveness because it may not be given. And the wrong-doer may have to go through life with that burden. If forgiveness is not asked for, the wronged person might wonder whether it matters or whether it had even been thought of. If not, it might seem presumptuous - a latent knowing that merely apologising will make things all right again.
Where someone says sorry, shows discomfort in delivering the apology, connects with the wronged person, asks for forgiveness but accepts that it may never be given, appears to feel the burden and guilt associated with their actions and where they might lose out significantly as a result of this action, we might just believe him or her.
And we might just forgive them.