Who meets anyone offline anymore? I even met my cleaner on a dating-website (of sorts). Tinder is the latest go-to in the dating world and with more than 50-million matches worldwide, it seems to be working. Swipe a picture left ('X'ing them) and that person is gone forever, not metaphorically but literally forever. Swipe right ('heart'ing' them) and if they've done the same for you, it allows you to chat to them. Et Voila. It's like Top-Trumps meets Hot or Not. It is fuss-free, you pay nada and it might not be just a fad.
Haddaway asked, What is Love? well turns out, it's Tinder and this is its A-Z.
Abs/Ass
Posting pictures of body parts? I'll never believe they belong to you. I believe they belong to Google images.
Block
A powerful tool. Don't neglect it. It is your friend.
Celebs
Just because you finally got into Nobu, and you see a z-list celeb, and forgot that they're also a human being, and interrupted their family meal of Tofu-Tartar, to take a photo 'together' so you can then lie to your mates (in both senses of the word) that you're on first name terms with Mel C, doesn't make me want you.
Dogs
That's. Just. Cheating. If you have a dog, I must have you.
Emoticons
Nothing can hide desperation, not even a wink. It just makes everything seem creepy and very unsexy. USE YOUR WORDS.
FOMO
No fear of missing out here. You can get as much or as little as you want from this bad-boy. Want to date someone every-night until you turn into Blue Waffle. You go girl.
Girls in photos
Is she your girlfriend? Ex-girlfriend? She's hot. I'm not that hot. Are you trying to make me feel bad about myself? I hate you.
Hotties
THEY'RE EVERYWHERE. I have never seen such a high concentration of hotties ever, apart from at LoveBrunch or on an Abercrombie & Fitch billboard. The best bit? Behind the Tinder screen, you actually seem to have a chance.
Iphone
It's only available on iphone. I'm not sure what advantage that has but a survey done in in 2010 confirmed that men with iphones are more attractive than those without. You're already one up on a blackberry-bellend. Winning.
Juggling
Never has it been so acceptable to be dating four people at the same time. Ladies and gentleman, a culmination of Darwin and Steve Jobs got us here. Amen to the evolution of dating.
K/Catfish
People can only lie so much on Tinder because its all connected to your Facebook profile. It's the most honest dating app on the market- no more 'my friends say I look like Megan Fox' whereas she looks more like Mrs.Doubtfire.
Lines
It's so direct you usually don't have to put up with cheesy chat-up lines apart from "so what's the worst chat up line someone has tried on you on here?" That is the worst chat-up line you moron.
Messaging
There needs to be at least a one-day window before messaging a 'match' otherwise you look desperate. Yes, you can look more desperate than just being on Tinder in the first place.
Nearby
Tinder works on a sort-of sex satnav so you only get the profiles of people within the distance you specify, which is both convenient and potentially stalkeresque. It does make you more aware of your surroundings though. You now spend all your time on the bus looking for Henry, the guy with the overactive eyebrows who lives 'less than a mile away'.
Office photos
This isn't LinkedIn. If you look your best being told to fake laugh in front of a white background or sat with a computer, you're never getting any, ever again.
People you know
Seeing people you know on Tinder is like seeing someone you know at the GUM clinic. Do not acknowledge. Do not engage. You saw nothing here. Never speak of this again.
Quotes
If you have a picture of either 'Live! Laugh! Love!' or 'Dance like nobody's watching' as your profile picture or it's in your tagline, that'll only suggest you have the maturity level of a prepubescent girl with pigtails.
Real time dating
It's expensive, time-consuming, frustrating... once you Tinder you'll never go...no I'm not going to attempt to make that rhyme.
Sex
Women still haven't realised that the premise behind Tinder is the same behind Grindr. Offer us dinner first, or a drink, even if it's water, that way it at least looks like you care.
Tits
They work. A woman in the US did an essay on how many more men 'liked' her on Tinder when her profile pic had boob on show. Amazing, ground-breaking research she did there. Narcissism dressed up as journalism.
Un-do
You can't un-do an 'X' so don't get trigger-happy with that button, you're not playing hungry-Hippos.
Very single
There's a scale here- you want to be on the 'looking for an emotional connection' side of single, not the 'resigned to dying with unused loins' side.
Wedding Pictures
If you're over 35 all I am wondering is if it was your own.
X
When 'X-ing' a potential suitor, you must justify 'why' to yourself as an inner monologue. Like, "no, too beardy", "no, too Asian", "no, too confused", "hmmm, looks like my brother", "oh, is my brother".
Yes
The genius about Tinder is it doesn't make you feel bad. You never get 'No's', you only get 'Yes's'. Unless you never get any Yes's in-which case, you must be a Blobfish.
Zzzzz
It's certainly not boring, in fact it's made being single seem like fun and who knew that would ever happen.
