How to Keep Up With the Kardashians

The Kardashians, everybody knows them but not everybody knows how to BE them, and isn't that kind of the whole point of life these days?

So on that note, here are a list of things you can do to keep up with the Kardashians:

Buy a Mercedes G wagon - but make sure it's either white or black, otherwise it doesn't count.

Get your mum to take your calls, Instagram your photos and ring up Lloyds bar before a night out to let them know you'll be making an appearance - they can move a couple of drunk guys off their bar stools to give you and your mates VIP access to the bar.

Take private jets as much as possible - this might be difficult so just travel economy and crop other passengers out your selfie, no one will know.

Get your friends to follow you round with cameras, shouting your name every few seconds.

Instagram yourself 20 times a day - minimum.

Take lots of selfies and make sure to tag the brand of everything in the photo - e.g. Tank Top: New Look, Watch: Baby - G.

Buy a second house to use as your wardrobe.

Talk on your phone whilst driving - probably don't actually do this one, or any of these for that matter.

Constantly eat - but only salads, out of plastic containers.

Keep a load of Custard Creams, Rich Tea and bourbons in giant glass jars on your worktop - but don't eat them, just look at them, while you're eating your salad.

Date an athlete - if you're struggling, the equipment manager will do.

Get married after 2 days.

Get divorced 2 days later.

Get lip fillers and bum implants - or if you're a bit strapped for cash get someone to smack you in the mouth and shove a travel cushion down the back of your leggings.

Contour - your face not your garden path.

So there you have it, keeping up with the Kardashians is actually pretty easy as long as you're willing to ditch your personality, pride and the idea of ever eating properly again!