Welcome to Tabloid Roundup, where we wave goodbye to market turmoil and say hello to a simpler kind of confusion.
So leave the banks to Berlusconi and the markets to Merkel as we bring you the events that really matter from Britain's biggest-selling papers.
Sneakiest Loverat
We all know that tabloids love a loverat, and this week we've unearthed the sneakiest of them all.
One minute this lucky lothario is spotted canoodling with Marion in the Sun. Then, just twenty pence later, the very same stallion is snapped 'getting passionate' with Abby in the Star.
Alex? Matt? Whoever you are, you've beaten Ashley Cole to the punch and claimed first prize.
Most thoughtful redesign of Monopoly
Goes to the one and only...
Richard
with this charming update of a family classic...
Here's one of the cheaper properties.
Waddingtons have confirmed that the remake will be in the shops in time for Christmas.
Sweetest revenge
Congratulations go to the Daily Record for selecting this gem from the postbag.
Reader John Kerr, of Coatbridge begins his tale simply enough:
But get ready for the switcheroo...
Uh-oh!
You tell 'em John!
Most logical order of pleasures
This award goes to the Express who have discovered that 'Finding a ten pound note in an old pair of jeans' is the greatest pleasure of them all.
We've picked four of fifty here, but please remember that these remain in strict order.
Accusations that seeing 'your children doing well at school' and 'getting a promotion' could actually be better than finding a tenner were dismissed by Express scientists.
Most detailed trouser advert
Here at Tabloid Roundup we want to know exactly what kind of trousers we're dealing with before purchase.
This week 'Chums' (The Trouser Specialists) have provided a level of detail we could only dream of...
We can confirm that if we found a tenner in our Action Trousers we'd probably explode.
Most pertinent question
In the absence of a new cancer scare, the Daily Mail asks:
And offers the following key piece of advice:
Biggest bunch of flowers
We can exclusively reveal that a man has ordered the biggest ever bunch of roses to help with a 'tricky explanation' when his wife gets home.
The bouquet contains over two hundred roses and a card saying simply 'I love you', in shaky handwriting.
Interflora's head of communications commented: "Two thousand wouldn't have been enough'.
By the way
Is Peter Hill the most endearingly angry man in print? We certainly think so.
This week: Peter visits a prison
Sounds like you've worked your magic on the prison guards Mr Hill.
Seen a story you love? Tweet @samjudah and @jamesclayton5. If we like it, it'll make next week's post.