Three years old.
So far it's my greatest parenting challenge of all. The tantrums, oh the tantrums. On more than one occasion the husband and I have looked at each other and realised the scenarios we find ourselves in with little Harrison at this tender age, are not too dissimilar to looking after drunk friends back in our youth. Or looking after each other drunk.
Okay usually it's him looking after me when I've had one too many.
Anyway, here's how parenting a threenager is basically the same as looking after a drunk person.
THEY SAY LOTS OF THINGS THEY DON'T MEAN (YOU HOPE)
"I don't love you anymore".
"Leave me alone".
"We can't be friends".
We've all been there, a drunk person/three-year old will shout things at us while we simply try to dress them, stop them peeing on themselves or attempt to wipe bodily fluids off them. We tell ourselves they don't mean it really.
We hope so anyway....
FLOPPY AND DIFFICULT TO TAKE ANYWHERE
Trying to navigate a drunk friend home is not dissimilar to attempting to get a three-year old to do anything. Often it will involve someone flopping on you, the floor or any available surface.
Which leads to dragging.
And huffing and puffing.
CAN FALL ASLEEP UNEXPECTEDLY
Three year old no longer napping? They still reserve the right to fall asleep when you least expect it, throwing your nicely prepared routine into tatters.
Drunk people will eventually tire and sleep too, but you have to position them carefully and ensure some vomit capturing container is close by.
PRONE TO EMOTIONAL OUTBURSTS
Some three-year olds/drunk people are happy, but one drink too many (fruitshoot/vodka shot) and terrifying emotional outbursts can erupt at any time.
Did you open their babybel? (Three year old)
Did you give them a funny look which they took as judgement? (Drunk person)
Whatever you do to set them off, the repercussions are utterly terrifying and there is nothing to do but wait out the tears.
ONLY WANT TO EAT JUNK FOOD
The drunk munchies involve kebabs, pizza, chicken burgers with suspicious mayo, floppy chips that have seen better days.
The three-year dietary demands involve chicken nuggets, pizza, ready meals and nutella sandwiches.
Not much dietary improvement there then...
MIGHT DISAPPEAR AT ANY MOMENT
Gone out shopping with a three-year old? You need your eyes on them all the time to avoid that terrifying sinking feeling when you can't see them one minute. We've all been there.
The same is said of drunk people. Propped up in the corner one minute? Dirty dancing & pulling a minger the next (while you have to drag them away for their own dignity and hygiene).
Keep those eyes open people.
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So there you have it. Conclusive proof that three-year olds are basically little drunk people in training.
This post was featured on Sian's blog Potty Mouthed Mummy.
You can also find her on Twitter at @pottymouthedmum and Instagram @pottymouthedmummy.