I AM NOT A HANDBAG.
Oh wait, you have no idea what I'm speaking about just yet. I have been doing A LOT of gigs all over the UK recently and it is always so fun to tell my little dick jokes and then afterward I love getting to chat to people either in person or on one of the many social media apps - Twitter, Facebook, Instagram and now I've just joined SnapChat and Grindr. I don't need to leave the house! I can just do a gig on Periscope but I don't know how these fucking things work yet.
What I have found though, is apart from people telling me I'm HILARIOUS (shout out to you, mum), I also get propositioned A LOT. Unfortunately, not in a I'm also a gay man who finds you very attractive and want to penetrate you kind of way, but more of a WILL YOU BE MY GAY BEST FRIEND? kind of way. Here's the thing - I AM NOT BEING SOLD AT CLAIRE'S ACCESSORIES. I'm not a hair clip or a puppy. I am a human being (almost).
Back in 2010, Teen Vogue, labelled we gay men the NEW MUST HAVE ACCESSORY stating: "He's fun, trust-worthy, and supportive, plus you don't have to compete with him. He's your gay best friend -- and he's in demand," - and although they later apologised, I do think it is something that gay men have to contend with from time to time. It's not always the case - I have people phasing me out all the time, and I appreciate that.
But let's break this down shall we
HE'S FUN - true. If you like to stay in, eat Kinder Chocobons, watch EastEnders and responds to my sexts, I am VERY fun.
TRUSTWORTHY - Erm, if you want to tell me your inner most secrets, maybe how your vagina was dickmatised, and you don't mind me telling rooms full of strangers, I am super trustworthy.
SUPPORTIVE - I don't have time. If the person you like doesn't text you back, find someone else you like. Done.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO COMPETE WITH HIM - If we both fancy the same straight. Yes you do!
HE'S IN DEMAND - I'm sat writing a blog that tens of you will read. I'm not that busy.
Here's the thing, I'm not an arsehole - I love people. I love how bonkers people are (especially in Birmingham). I love meeting new people and making new friends. But, I will not be your GAY best friend. I will, however, be your BEST FRIEND. And I'm really good at that. I will never be longer than 30 minutes late, I like to go dancing, eat Mexican food and allow you to pay AND I will tell your secrets on stage and screen - because I'm a giver*
To keep up with Stephen's shows go to stephenbaileycomedy.co.uk
He will also be previewing his new show STEPHEN BAILEY: NATION'S SWEETHEART in London on Tuesday 7th June. Go to http://backyardbar.co.uk/events/upcoming/ for tickets
**Note from the writer to potential love conquests - I am actually a bottom sexually**