Ant and Dec are flying! They loop the loop and yell at the camera. It's the highest budget episode of Byker Grove I've ever seen.
They're in Blackpool this week. The "getting ready montage" includes Elvis, a juggling Willy Wonka, a mermaid and green cheerleaders. They seem excited that cameras are in their town. "Are you scared of Simon Cowell?" asks the lovechild of The Stig and The Cube's The Body. "It'll be mad, won't it" quotes a kid holding a guitar bigger than himself. It appears Blackpool are all ready and prepared for Simon's arrival. "If it was sunny, I'd be on the big dipper", states Simon Cowell, clearly having just read the entry for Blackpool on Wikipedia.
The auditions begin. First up are Lily and the Pineapple Hunks. She misquotes The Weather Girls ("The temperature's rising, barometer's getting low") as The Hunks rip open their biker jackets and thrust. It's not a good audition. Simon comments how it's the worst singing and dancing he's ever seen. A Dalmatian howls along to a recorder playing Twinkle Twinkle little star. Kathy Mason does an impression of Cliff Richard, which sounds more like Margaret Thatcher. Walentina does a poem, and gets booed as soon as she says "poem". Thanks for showing us all sorts of art, ITV1. It's as if this montage is purposefully putting together all the rubbish acts!
Ashley Elliot, the world's first 30-year old 16-year old, drags a xylophone on stage. He plays a ragtime medley with the speed and agility of Patrick Moore. David Walliams does a Pineapple Hunk-esque thrust against the back of Simon's head. #KNOCKONWOOD, yells ITV's hashtag generator. He appears to be more talented than his Coronation Street namesake. The audience love him, and despite having two thirds of the judges buzz him, he's through. We have our first Blackpool entry.
We start Part Two in Birmingham. (So, there was literally one person with talent in Blackpool? How disappointing). A bunch of dancers douse themselves in green make-up. Ant and Dec greet Beatrix Von Bourbon, a 1950's air hostess. She performs a Charlie Chaplin routine with a suitcase, discovers some nipple tassels then rips her clothes off to reveal golden negligee. The audience applause her underwear and tits. Well done on the underwear and tits, madam! The panel are Beatrix Potty, and she's through. Our second finalist of the night!
We cut to vocal group The Mend, who are all lads. Check out their laddishness! The put it down on the mic! They could pull girls! "Look at her, she's fit!" one of them says. Suddenly, they're accompanied by Embrace's Nature's Law, and I feel sorry for them. Their audition song, an RnB version of Sitting on the Dock of the Bay, isn't terrible, but they look like an East 17 reunion. The audience love them, which means the judges love them, which means they're through. And that concludes Birmingham's talent: a bunch of tits and a burlesque performer.
It's Part Three! We're in London this time. We're introduced to vocal group Deja Vu who describe themselves as on older Little Mix. As they perform Adele's Rumour Has It, I can see that they have potential, but they need to work on their timing. Sadly, they're not through, but the lead singer is quite sweet and really happy she had the opportunity. I approve of her.
Up next are... urm... Twist and Pulse. They made it to the final a couple of years ago, and they currently tour arenas. They now have a dance company, and it's their company who are auditioning tonight. I want to see the group's audition process. It'd be like High School Musical meets The Apprentice. Every time a lift is made, Twist and Pulse would say "you're highered". I should shut up at this point.
The group appear to be Twist and Pulse clones on fast forward. There's no hashtag for this, but I guess #HolyShitAmIOnAcid would be the one to use. It's very entertaining to watch, and unsurprisingly, they're through; standing ovations and all.
For the final part, we return to Blackpool. A fisherman chats to a nun. A chicken chats to John Lennon. We vox pop with a singer-songwriter and, with four minutes left of the episode, I think I can assume he's going to get through to the final. He's called Ryan and he's Irish. He sings a song called "No Name", which is about a girl who has a name he can't pronounce. It's a pretty nice acoustic ballad, and he's sounds a bit like the lead guy from Train. Four yeses, the audience love him, and that's our fifth finalist of the night.
So, our finalists tonight are Ashley Elliot (the world's oldest teenager), Beatrix von Bourbon (Brit-a von Teese), The Mend (Ladz 2 Men), Twist and Pulse Dance Group (The Apprentwist) and Ryan O'Shaughnessy (Tryan). We've only three more weeks of this. How exciting.