Have you ever been in dat situation where you blog TV for da Huffington Post. Well, Friz has. Here's Night Three of Britain's Got Talent.
We open with London. The vox pops include a greengrocer and Cockney King, so we're keeping in lines with the London stereotype. One contestant suggests that "he's so confident, he could eat an elephant". Pretty sure that's about three phrases mangled into one.
Our first act, a bunch of cheeky octogenerians, wander on to the stage. They're known as The Zimmers, and once they start singing Alesha Dixon's heart melts, Simon can practically taste the Christmas album and David Walliams seems bored. It takes a left turn once they strip down, punk up and do an entire Beastie Boys routine. Everyone loves them. I do, however, feel sorry for the one who isn't entirely sure what she's doing or where she is. Don't worry, Carmen. Amanda's back in a bit.
Part Two introduces us to a dance troupe montage. Firstly, Twisted Disco fail to appease the judges with their musical rendition of Night of the Living Macarena. Up next are Four Corners; a group of 30-odd folk with only one girl. The Smurfette of the group dances in the sea of testosterone to Only Girl in the World; an apt song for their group. Four Corners do their thing, move about, and the judges like them enough for the act to go through
Montage time! Billy George spins in a hoop and is through. Alex Davies does an impression of 90s rapper Snow whilst holding a guitar and is also through. Analiza Chang breakdances with a violin and also gets four yeses. They're zooming through these! How the hell am I meant to identify with any of them if I don't know about any of their ill relatives?
Richard, a singer-songwriter, introduces a song about how he's not a player. Bloody hell, Richard! You'll never get a club hit if you don't brag about how much of a player you are! Sigh. The song, Put My Hands Up, is so popular that it already has a karaoke track. It also appears to be a parody of 90's RnB tracks. If anything, it reminds of How To Write a Love Song by Axis of Awesome. Richard's terrible, terrible song gets a no from everyone. So, this guy has had his girlfriend leave him and now he's been made a tit out of on reality TV.
The Britain's Got Talent app is advertised. You can fake buzz along with the judges, or wave a fake flag in support of your favourite act. I should really advertise my Britain's Got Talent Huffington Post Blog App. On it, you can watch Britain's Got Talent whilst shaking your head and tutting. Only £2.99.
Act three begins. Aspirations of potential contestants include ending up like Amy Winehouse (urm), a female Gary Barlow (urm...) and a female Jason the Ruler (who you can catch on CBBC, 7.15am). Chelsea Redfern, who has brought along her wacky grandma, sings Purple Rain. She appears to be doing an impression of Peter Griffin, who regenerates into Lulu halfway through. The judges are impressed by this, and she gets through. It's a far cry from the female Jason the Ruler she wanted to be earlier, but Jason does a pretty good Lulu impression too. (Seriously. CBBC, 7.15am. It's a brilliant show). Confusingly, Carmen Electra is back in the judging panel. Either they're airing this in the wrong order, or Amanda keeps going back to have her baby again. She gives out "a massive purple yes", which is as ridiculous a phrase as "so confident, I could eat an elephant".
After a wacky montage where Walliams pisses off Simon, we see a cardigan-wearing Tony Roberts. It's a nice Stevie Wonder inspired song, and he gets enough yeses to get through, but nobody's paying attention due to the fantastic bromance between Cowell and Walliams. Firstly, I'd like to see them get their own documentary. Secondly, I'm off to hang my head in shame for a bit for using the word "bromance".
We're back after the adverts, and we see an unsuccessful chavvy pineapple sing what appears to be The Phonngtom of the Oporeurgh. Dance Troupe Powerplay also sing , but the backing singers appear to be falling on top of each other which leads to their downfall. A chavvy onion unsuccesfully yells I'd Rather Be a Rapper Than a Sledgehammer (or whatever the hell he's mumbling). Mr Zip, the less popular Roger Hargreaves character, appears to be the DJ Talent of this year. He has written a rap song about losing his keys and his phone. It's... bloody good! This is proper Butlins camp entertainment. The audience love it. This better be high in the charts tomorrow as it genuinely is genius. The thing is, he better write a different song for the next round.
Act Five hammers home Simon's quest to see a dog act. One assumes it's nothing to do with the fact that The Artist got a load of recognition for their talented dog. Pudsey the Dog might just be that dog. The dog and his owner, Ashley, meet Simon, who states he wants to see the dog win an Oscar. They dance around to The B52's version of The Flintstones, and everyone's having a gay old time. I will admit, the dog did slightly melt my icy heart of reality TV show sneering, so well done for that. Four yeses, and we have our first dog act of the year.
New finalists!. The Zimmers (who are collectively younger than The Rolling Stones), Four Corners (who'll eventually go on to star in Muller adverts), Chelsea Redfern (I'm pretty sure Jason the Ruler must be paying loads for the free advertising), Mr Zip (second single "Stubbed my Toe") and Pudsey the Dog (if Simon Cowell invests in The Artist II, I'm calling a fix). I haven't mentioned the people who get through during the montages, because I can't remember them. Yes, I know I could just scroll a couple of paragraphs up, but I'm a very busy man.