There now follows some snippets from my new one-act play, "Meanwhile, at The Sun". It features a journalist named Nick and his writing partner, Alex, as they attempt to keep up with the rolling snowball that is the news.
Disclaimer: any likeness to actions or persons living or dead is completely coincidental.
Scene: INT: The Sun office. HENRY walks in with a fully typed up document in a folder. He appears proud of his work. ALEX sits at his desk, smoking a cigarette
ALEX
So, Henry, word has come in that the latest England Manager has been announced. Any news on that?
HENRY
Yes! It appears that it's none other than Roy Hodgson.
ALEX
Excellent stuff. Excellent. Have you written up the article yet?
HENRY
Yup, it just needs a few touches. I've mentioned how he's 64-
ALEX
64? That's a bit of a shock.
HENRY
Well, not really. I mean, Sven-Goran Eriksson is 64 too, and he's still managing football clubs.
ALEX
Hmm, that's besides the point. Make sure you mention that him being 64 is shocking.
HENRY
Sure thing. Apart from that, it seems fine. All we need is a headline. I was thinking, "Hodgson Appointed as New England Manager".
ALEX
Well that's ridiculous. There's no pun there. Come on, we're The Sun. If there's no pun in the headline, we might as well be the bloody Guardian. What other headline ideas?
HENRY
How about "Come On My Hodgson!"
ALEX
...
HENRY
Because, you know, his name is Hodgson. And "Come On My Son" is a well-known phrase of congratulations in football.
ALEX
Hmm. Any other ideas?
HENRY
Uh, Football Craz-roy?
ALEX
No, no, no. That's terrible. Wait, I know! He has a speech impediment, right?
HENRY
... Right
ALEX
He's known as "Woy" amongst his friends, isn't he?
HENRY
I... I suppose so. But we're not really his frie-
ALEX
Well, how about "Wight! We Weally Should Pwactise Some Football! Weiterwates Woy"
HENRY
No.
ALEX
"Hawwy Wedknapp's Dweams Wuined!"
HENRY
No.
ALEX
"Bwing On The Euwos?"
HENRY
Genius.