I have a bet with a friend that if Nick Clegg doesn't lose his seat this election I'm going to climb inside his fridge, it's a long story. The most recent evidence suggests that I could be enduring its chilly embrace due to tactical voting; Sheffield Hallam Tories will vote Liberal to block Labour. I'm not complaining; they are doing what they have to do, the paper owning Non-Dom's are doing the same.
The absurd smearing of the Scottish National Party as baby eating radical Marxist monsters is all part of an electoral strategy dreamt up in the Tory party HQ, or Murdoch Towers as we might call it.
A lazy smear campaign will do nothing to discourage Scottish voters who will see the hatred of the Tory press as an endorsement. This suits the Conservative agenda of scaring the rest of UK into voting Tory whilst damaging Labour's chances in Scotland.
If they really wanted to undermine the SNP the truth would be far more powerful. The SNP are just like any other political party, they are not new, not radical and not even that different.
Being on the political fringes for over 81 years they may have had less opportunity to show this but in the last few years they have proven that they walk through the same river of shit as any other political party.
We had the inflated oil figures during the Independence Referendum that suggest they were either incompetent or willing to lie to get what they wanted. That was that same referendum whose outcome they promised would last a generation, yet Sturgeon is still refusing to rule out an imminent second referendum.
Surely they are different to those evil Labour types? Well, while Miliband challenged Murdoch over allegations of phone hacking a murdered girl's phone, victims of 7/7 and soldier's relatives, Alex Salmond was busy courting him.
More fundamentally though I have an issue with the idea they are a party of the radical left. Their manifesto shows them to be barely any further leftwing than Labour, whilst their Anti-Austerity stance is paper-thin given the levels of cuts they plan.
You can play devils advocate to practical reasoning behind such issues but it's doesn't mean they are not knee deep in the River Merde.
Theirs is a shaky moral platform built on strange logic. Having spent decades as a centrist party it attacks Labour with all the conviction of the converted whilst forgetting it's a wonky form of Socialism that buys into the mythologies of Nationalism.
Socialism understands Nationalism to be an artificial means of social control and should seek to challenge these divisive ideas, not rally round them, because you fight for all workers or no workers at all.
You can dress it up as 'Civic Nationalism' but when the flags come out, when words like quisling are thrown about, when people are shouted down in the street, it's clear that it flows from the same poisonous spring as other nationalist politics.
Some of their stances are no less strange than their Socialism, blaming Labour for standing with the Tories against Independence when the SNP supported the Tories in 1979 and having accepted Tory support this century.
Then there is "Bairns not Bombs', why you'd want to bomb people with babies I don't know. Nuclear Disarmament without negotiating reductions from other Nuclear powers seems a bit short sighted, that said if an independent Scotland does avoid nuclear annihilation they can look forward to being attached to the smouldering radioactive corpse of the rest of the United Kingdom.
Is this all about what's best for Scottish people though? Well check out SNP constitution, the first point is independence, the second the promotion of Scottish interests.
The only thing standing between the Tories and a second term now is Scotland, a bitter twist to an unedifying five years of the Coalition, divide and conquer politics at it's finest. Nothing will change this, not least me, so I plan to have drink on election night for every Scottish seat the SNP don't win. I sadly expect to be stone cold sober.