funny tweets
"I appreciate the lawn mowing and the snow shoveling but babe, leaf-blowing is just hiding from your kids."
"Not my child doing Spider-Man poses on the floor of a 110 year old train station…"
'If anyone giving my eulogy says I lit up a room, just know that is not true.'
"You can’t scare me. You’re not the thought of paying for three kids in college at the same time."
The days between Christmas and New Year's can feel weird — especially if you are stuck working.
"Unfortunately i am not demure or mindful i am loud and stupid."
"Hey (with the intention of using you to get to your dog)"
"Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together"
"there is no higher form of comedy than a pet with a human name. congrats on your netflix special or whatever, but this dog's name is Peter"
"sorry i can't hang out i have to sit here and slow blink at this cat who hates me"