funny tweets
"Unfortunately i am not demure or mindful i am loud and stupid."
"Hey (with the intention of using you to get to your dog)"
"Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together"
"there is no higher form of comedy than a pet with a human name. congrats on your netflix special or whatever, but this dog's name is Peter"
"sorry i can't hang out i have to sit here and slow blink at this cat who hates me"
"Sometimes, I’ll say something to my dog then he will blankly stare past me and I just know he’s seeing how I die."
"Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like, 'Heyyy' and 'Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet.'"
"Thought some notification had come in on my husband’s phone but turned out it was the cat snoring."
“Just met 4 dachshunds in the park called Gary, Steve, Kevin and Dave, and my day improved by approximately 659%”
"having a pet rlly shows u how pure love can be, like me n this lil creature love each other to DEATH and nvr held a conversation."