funny tweets
"My two-year-old woke us all up at 3am and then just told me, 'stop doing your face' so things are going well here."
"40% of parenting small children is just saying 'wow' and 'cool' when you don’t mean it."
"My wife threw away some old shoes and now we have 1,500 extra square feet of living space."
"I appreciate the lawn mowing and the snow shoveling but babe, leaf-blowing is just hiding from your kids."
"Not my child doing Spider-Man poses on the floor of a 110 year old train station…"
'If anyone giving my eulogy says I lit up a room, just know that is not true.'
"You can’t scare me. You’re not the thought of paying for three kids in college at the same time."
The days between Christmas and New Year's can feel weird — especially if you are stuck working.
"Unfortunately i am not demure or mindful i am loud and stupid."
"Hey (with the intention of using you to get to your dog)"