funny tweets
“No matter how much my wife likes her Christmas gifts from me she will like the gift our dog ‘bought her’ more.”
“i dont have a golden retriever husband, i have a yorkie husband. he is small and barks and lashes out at everyone and everything because he is terrified all the time.”
“People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says ‘must be picked up, won’t walk’.”
"Being a Jewish kid of divorce can't be all bad. You get 16 hannukah's."
"You want me to cite my sources? Feminine intuition."
"We just got a report that our kid has spent 34,721 minutes listening to one song, in case you were thinking of having kids.
"My cats are pretty cute and cuddly but if we were all the same size they'd eat me for dinner"
OK, fess up. Who invited the toddlers?
"I don't need Spotify Wrapped to tell me my top songs are all bangers from Daniel Tiger."
"Sorry we're late, my husband had to drive around the parking lot 5 times till he found a spot he liked."