funny tweets

"Being the only butt wiper you child deems acceptable is both an honour and a curse."
"Someone on Tinder just unmatched me mid-conversation because I said I liked ketchup so yes it's going great."
"Your toddler is sooooo cute! - People not cleaning up after him."
"It should be okay to boo people at the airport."
"My three-year-old son just asked me, 'Can you take me to the Vampire State Building?'"
"So 'The Fast and the Furious' isn't about food shopping with your toddler?"
'Sure, I could parent without screen time. I could also churn my own butter, but let's not get crazy here.'
"I spray deodorant on my 12yo son while he's sleeping. You're welcome."