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"Sorry we're late, my husband had to drive around the parking lot 5 times till he found a spot he liked."
"My 8yo told me her New Year’s resolution is not to step on anthills if anyone needs a lesson in realistic goal-setting."
"'Wow now that I know it was you and not santa who was responsible for all those gifts over the years I’d like to take a moment to thank you and apologise for the misplaced gratitude.' - no kid ever"
Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FL) dismissed criticism after he tweeted out a photo from a video call with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy after specifically being asked not to share the image.
"I feel like people who know how to crack eggs with one hand have life all figured out."
"A rigged election, fight on!" the furious president called out to his supporters.
"A funny thing about quarantining is hearing your partner in full work mode for the first time. Like, I’m married to a 'let’s circle back' guy — who knew?"
"I always keep my cool when using self-checkout machines because I want them to vouch for me as an ally during the robot uprising."
"I said Alexa three times and she didn’t respond so she’s family now."
"Being the only butt wiper you child deems acceptable is both an honour and a curse."