funny tweets
"Are people in Europe dehydrated all the time? They are so stingy with water and the cups are so small. I am thirsty just thinking about being in France again."
"Summers as a child seemed to last a life time, now it's like 3 consecutive Saturday birthday parties, a picnic and back to school."
“When a small kid is struggling to walk a big dog, dads are required to ask ‘Who’s walking who?’”
"Hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn't theirs to look out of."
"i may look normal, but i meow back at cats"
"My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke"
"Barbenheimer is the closest we’ve come to having school spirit week as adults"
"Having a tough day today. My kid told me I have 'the stinkiest butt on planet Earth' and he’s just a little kid but if he’s right this is devastating news."
"I share tweets with my offline bf the way cats bring dead birds to their humans as a ~gift~"
"I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half."