funny tweets
"I hate to say it, but ever since Blake Shelton was named sexiest man alive things have been in shambles."
"I love when families have one or a few standardly named children and one totally out-there-named child and you're just like....what happened here."
"My 9yo just told me: 'Thank you, Catherine Obvious.' I’m not correcting her."
"'You’re not the boss of me!' I say to my wife assertively, when we both know good and well that she is."
"if cats are the perfect predators why do they keep getting a single claw stuck on my shirt"
"On the first day of school you cry because your babies are growing up too fast, but after the 1st week of school you're like get out of my car."
"The day my toddler started asking 'what’s that?' was the day I realized how little I know about everything."
"loveee when dogs make little circles over and over to get cozy and comfy like that is so me"
"it happened to me: i finally answered an email i had been putting off & the person responded right away & now i'm back to square one"
"The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that"