funny tweets
"'The Bear' but for that one soft serve ice cream shop in a small town that stays open past 9pm in the summers."
Sixth Sense, eat your heart out.
"The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy."
"Statements only heard at parent dinner parties, I'll go first: 'Poison control are always just the nicest people'"
"My husband just very sincerely yelled from the kitchen, 'I'm putting a glass of iced tea in the fridge. Just don't want you to think it's pee and throw it out.'"
"I’m freezing: a memoir about office culture."
"Seeing a dalmation does feel like meeting a celeb I can’t explain it."
"I wish they sold off-brand cars I'll get me a damn Honder"
"Ever put your kid to bed and realize an hour later you’re still watching SpongeBob?"
"Coffee is good but nothing wakes you up harder than the adrenaline of searching for a piece of your kid’s sports uniform on Saturday morning."