funny tweets
"1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note. Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil."
"A fly in the apartment is more valuable than the most expensive cat toy."
Why are they like this.
"Flight delayed due to a bird strike. Not totally sure if that means they pooped on the windshield, flew into the engine, or are picketing on the runway."
"Parenting is sneaking in to kiss your kids when they’re asleep, and sneaking out to curse when they’re awake.'
"My 6yo looked me straight in the eye as she opened a bag of Doritos and said, 'Well the bag was already open so somebody 𝘩𝘢𝘴 to eat them.' She's my life coach now."
"TV is such a powerful medium. The phrase ‘moderate to severe plaque psoriasis’ has been rattling around in my head since I was like four."
"My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said 'it feels like I’m rubbing a pig', in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later."
"Realised customer service wasn’t for me when a lady on the phone told me I didn’t know how to do my job and i said 'well walk me through it' and she hung up"
"My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well."