funny tweets
"Every type of Italian sausage is a good name for a cat, every type of German sausage is a good name for a dog."
"My 3-year-old has requested Cheerios in the mermaid bowl. We do not own a mermaid bowl, nor have we ever owned a mermaid bowl. I look forward to her reasonable response."
"The fitness trainer asked me, 'What kind of a squat are you accustomed to doing?' I said, 'Diddly.'"
"Will someone please explain to me why my teenager refuses to wear anything warm all winter but now that it’s hot out he’s wearing the same hoodie every single day!?"
"My toddler loves pizza and loves bagels so I figured I'd notch an easy win and make him his first pizza bagel and holy s**t I've never been so wrong in my life."
To be fair, 'biscuit' does sound a lot like 'big shit'...
"Instead of 'emotional support' my son said 'mimosa-tional support' and I want that a lot more."
"I told my kids to go to bed so naturally they are performing a musical."
"What doesn’t kill you makes you kind of nervous for the rest of your life."
"One of the main parts of being a dad or husband is just waiting in the car."