funny tweets
"Husband has an appointment at 10:10. He got in the shower at 9:54. This is why I have anxiety."
"Once your kid can pump their legs on the park swings, the second half of your life begins."
"I laughed at a silly song my 8-year-old made up and now, 97 encores later, I realise I may have made a mistake."
"My daughter gave me a tiny leaf as a present three days ago and now she wants to know where it is. Pray for me."
"Straight men have no concept of ambient lighting, I hooked up with a man with overhead lights you could perform surgery under."
"I wish I loved anything as much as my husband loves asking me questions he could easily Google."
"Shoutout to cats who get their claw stuck and then get pissed that you helped them."
"Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie."
"Being married has changed me in ways I could never have expected. For instance, now I know who Carrie Bradshaw is."
“you ever bring ur pet up to a mirror and ur like ‘that's you’"