funny tweets
"Take your kids to the ocean so they can repeatedly ask to swim in the hotel pool."
"Married someone who’s an extrovert so I have someone to represent me at social functions while I stay home."
"My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids."
"Idk who needs to hear this but you do NOT have unspoken rizz."
"80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad."
"When the wedding invite dress code is 'chic cocktail casual.'"
"Air-conditioned wife, happy life."
"Did it hurt? When I told you to google it and I was right"
"My car was making annoying squeaky noises, it stopped once I dropped off the kids"
"One of my kids told me I look like ET.....when he’s sick....not just regular ET."