funny tweets
"Parenting is missing your kids when they’re asleep, and missing your sanity when they’re awake."
"Commute to school – 3 minutes. Wait in the drop off line – 3-4 business days."
"My 4yo calls the nail salon the Toe Salon, and anyway…that’s what it’s called now."
"Oh I get it, you think you’re better than me cuz your kid has both shoes on."
"The UK needs to legalise weed so the Great British Bake Off can have edibles week."
"If by married you mean share debt and a roof, then yes I am married."
"Parenting is about having open communication with your kids, mostly through a closed bathroom door."
"Playing board games with your kids and deliberately trying to lose so it ends quicker is a parenting art form"
"Just saw the new Venom movie, also known as 90 minutes of my wife saying 'ooh' every time Tom Hardy is on screen."
"According to Facebook, the only way to fix the FB outage is to cover its servers in horse paste."