funny tweets
"When I sign off an email with 'regards' it means I regard you as my foe; one of us will have to go."
"Grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings."
"Today's kids will never know how much strength you needed to get the car window down."
"Married sext: my headache is going away."
"Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day."
"The thirteen year old got a kazoo. Thoughts and prayers please."
"Wives only want one thing: to open your eyes because your keys are literally right there in front of your face."
"My kids’ superpower is using 24 different cups in a day to drink 3 cups of water."
"My wife just threw away bubble wrap without popping it. Just like that. I'm married to a psychopath."
"My some described my job as 'mama sit, mama type' so now I have to walk into the sea."