funny tweets
"Can't sleep because it's too hot; can't open the window in case spiders crawl in."
"My daughter calls deodorant 'arm makeup'. You're welcome."
"Thoughts and prayers to my husband who just said I was 'over reacting.'"
"Welcome to parenthood. You just stepped in a puddle. Inside your house."
"Dropping my daughter off at camp and she’s a little anxious. Told her to find the biggest camper and start a fight to establish dominance."
"Everyone always says I look tired in every photo and video and first of all, I am. second of all, that’s just my face."
"Before my wife became pregnant, I always assumed Braxton Hicks was a country music artist."
"My husband and I have been married for 30 years because he lacks the ability to schedule his own dentist appointments."
"My kids could fart and my father-in-law would be like, 'Great job! Here’s five quid.'"
"I sure tell my family, 'Don't blame me, I don't make the rules' a lot for someone that makes literally every single rule in this house."