funny tweets
"I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I'm looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work."
"Sad that my teenage kids don't believe in Santa any more, but happily they still believe in the elves that clean up the f**king kitchen"
"Take a road trip with at least two excitable chimpanzees with everfull bladders, endless appetites and terrible taste in music to find out if having kids is right for you"
"I sure have a lot of opinions about cooking shows for someone who's eating a paw patrol string cheese for breakfast"
Welcome to a world where every conversation has the potential to spiral.
"It’s fun getting room service. I just love eating a $19 hamburger at a desk in front of a mirror."
"My wife and I wanted to go to a movie but it didn't start until 4:30PM, so we'll try another day when we won't be out all night."
"The adult version of 'head, shoulders, knees and toes' is 'wallet, glasses, keys and phone.'"
"Teens be like, 'You know that crumpled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.'”
"Love it when my dog does a big yawn at 5pm, I just know he put in a long day at the good boy factory"